The tale of Miss Swallow and Mr. Sprigg.

PBS has an interesting story about how young people are coming out as gay earlier in life than in the past. I can believe that. Certainly the gay people I’ve met, who are younger, are much more open about their sexuality than individuals of my generation.

What I found curious was that PBS, to give balance to the story, interviewed the religious fanatics. I notice they never interview Nazis when they do something about the Holocaust -- maybe because there aren’t any Nazis in the White House. Oh! Right!!! Never mind.

One of these loonies from a so-called ex-gay ministry was quoted. She was all upset that kids who are gay are told that it’s okay to be who they are. She wants hell fire and brimstone, self-loathing, self-pity, disgust, maybe a little vomit and loads and load of depression -- the way homosexuals are supposed to be. Though I had to crack up when seeing that her name is Barbara Swallow!

This reminds me of the time I was watching one of the phony exgays on some Christian television station -- a waste of valuable airwaves. This clown was from something called “Be Whole Ministries.” Now the born-again types aren’t the brightest of the bunch. And they were still trying to get used to the subtitling on the screen. But I almost fell out of my chair laughing when they put up the name of the ministry as: “Bee Hole Ministries”. Talk about kinky -- a bee hole! I cringe to think what they would do with Miss Swallow.

Then PBS quoted some twit named Peter Sprigg -- don’t ask me where these names come from. Mr. Sprigg is with a Right-wing religious group. In other words he lobotomized himself with a Bible, not a functioning brain cell left -- a perfect Christian.

Mr. Sprigg says: “Young people have no business committing to a sexual identity until they’re adults.” See -- not a functioning brain cell left, not one.

This is stupidity on a multiplicity of levels. It takes practices, and lots of faith, to concoct a single sentence with so many fallacies crammed into it.

First, one does not “commit” to a sexual identity. This is not like adopting children or buying a house. One doesn’t sign on the dotted line and get enlisted as a new “gay” for the rest of one’s life. People are. It’s not really complicated. It just is. It is not a commitment, a choice, a decision, it just is.

But the perpetual solicitors of Jesus can’t understand anything that doesn’t come with recruiting others. They assume that because they go door to door, annoying people into coming to church with them, that gay people do something similar.

There must be secret “revival” meetings in big tents outside the high schools where unwilling young men are dragged in and harangued about the evils of heterosexuality until they are willing to confess their evil ways, give up the demon of straight lust, and commit themselves to “the gay agenda” where they live “the gay lifestyle”.

What a perfect example of fundamentalist projection. They have an agenda, so anyone they hate must have one as well. They have a lifestyle -- wel,l very light on the style part -- so they assume everyone else does as well. They all have to look alike, believe alike, think alike, offend alike, so they naturally assume that all gays are the same way. They think gay culture is a monolithic lifestyle just because they work so hard at stamping out individuality.

The fundamentalist Christian is the perfect collectivist.

Next, the very idea that teens can’t know their sexuality when they are teens is silly. Straight kids know they are straight and gay kinds know they are gay. Some might feel conflicted but most don’t.

And, if teens are too young to commit to a sexual identity, is Mr. Sprigg actually saying that straight teens shouldn’t be allowed to date? Should schools cancel dances? Should going steady be a crime?

Now I can assure old Sprigg that there will be unintended consequences if he wants to prevent teens from committing to a sexual identity. Let’s be realistic. A typical high school is full of hormones.

But we don’t want teens committing themselves to a sexual identity. So lets stop the girls and the boys from dating and interacting -- that is where most the “committing” goes on, isn’t it? So all those boys can’t date girls. All they can do is hang out with each other, maybe shoot some hoops, change clothes in the locker room, take long, lingering, steamy showers. I’m not sure this would lead to the results Mr. Sprigg wanted.

If you think it would work just ask the Mormons about all those sweet young men with the bad haircuts on the bicycles who are forbidden to to have female companions and spend all their time together. Well, lets just say it’s not a good idea if they are trying to actually prevent homosexuality.

And if teens have “no business” committing to a sexuality exactly why did Sprigg’s Jehovah flood them with hormones so that they can’t think of anything else? Here is this know-it-all deity who can foresee the future. He designs the male of the species and determines they must never have sex outside of heterosexual marriage, when they are adults.

Then he takes them, years before they are actually adult,s and baptizes them in a sea of hormones that make it so that the only thing they can think about is sex, sex and sex. And then when they are heavily sexed up God pulled another dirty little trick. He designed them so they can’t hide it! If that is “intelligent design” what would stupid design look like?

Considering these facts I’d drop the intelligent design nonsense and embrace evolution if I were them. If that is intelligent design then Jehovah wasn’t that bright was he?

So what’s a fundy to do? You can’t leave the boys with the girls or they commit to a sexuality. You can’t leave the boys with the boys, or more committing takes place and its even more sinful! Leave them alone and they commit to themselves repeatedly. Maybe this is why so many fundamentalists are into home schooling. On the other hand that also has problems, but I guess where these people come from a roll in the hay with yoru sister isn’t that unusual. I guess we should be thankful most of them don’t live on the farm anymore. If they did I don’t think I could eat another steak in my life.